Z is for Zach

The passage of one calendar year is but a blink it seems. So much has passed in that time and so many things have happened since the world lost Zach DeRidder. And truly... it was the world's loss.

One of the ways we can know the entire measure of our lives is if we inspire others to soldier on and have them carry your spirit with them. That is exactly what I feel. Your friendship changed me.

Getting that bike signed by Lance, your hero, was the best day for you, so you said then. I look at this picture and am reminded of that day that I remember so vividly. But so many "best days" followed and you celebrated them despite knowing the numbers remaining were few.

I carry so many happy memories of you...because, in spite of all that you endured you lived well. You carried life (and the fullness that comes from living it well) miles ahead of the pain.

Thank you Zach for showing me so many things and allowing me to slow down and speed up all at the same time. Your lesson...cherish life. What a teacher you were.

I miss you, my friend.

For you Jessica

One might say that teardrops can't bring back a loved one. Yet somehow I think giving voice to the memories you treasure of them can keep them forever alive in your heart. On intuition I believe this is the case of Jessica.

I learned today that the same fashion-minded girl who just two short weeks ago reveled in outdoing me in an ugly sweater contest is gone. She died late last night...and took a piece of my heart with her.

Jessica was a special light among our TLC group, she could dazzle you with her smile...and charm with her simple, blunt humor. She was uniquely straightforward. One would never wonder what she was thinking because it escaped her lips the moment the thought fluttered into her mind. Unfailing honesty, that was Jess.

Many people called her "Sassy" (including me) because that adjective certainly captured her vivaciousness and characteristic spunk. Cancer forced her, like many, to leave behind some mythology that all too often accompanies youth. Such harsh reality was an extraordinary weight for such a 15 year old to be burdened by...but her spunk remained.

It's Jessica that's drawn me back here...because as I sit here tapping out an entry into my my oft' neglected blog the only thought in my head is of Jess. She left in the dawn of a new year she had not even a glimpse of, and with us all wishing for just one thing... a chance for more time.

Jessica was a mover and a shaker, a young woman of action. She liked to dance and she like to move fast. Waiting around patiently wasn't her style. And so naturally when cancer clipped her wings and slowed her down her frustration was clear...and achingly justified. Walls built up...but they were only made to come down.

Rays of light began to dip in and slowly trickle through her wall of protection. She began to let in new friends that lightened her load, eased her into laughter and allowed her the gift of shared experience. Her smiles became more abundant. Her wisecracks were rapid fire. It was obvious she had stolen all of our hearts. Indeed she has made off with them and if that means that she can carry some of our love with her...beyond these earthly boundaries... than perhaps we can be ever grateful for what she took, with our most sincere permission.

I will never forget you Jess... Your memory lives. That etching has been made and not time, nor circumstance can erase it. Any time I dance the Cha Cha Slide and I misstep I will remember your laugh...it will echo in my ears and run straight to my heart.

Wow! I've missed you blog

So...here it is October and I realize that I've had a very unintended hiatus from the world of blogging. It wasn't for lack of productivity...precisely the opposite. This past summer
ranks among the busiest ones of my life. Biggest of all milestones...my sister got married (and five other friends). It was a summer of weddings. But besides the requisite travel time and cluster of booked Saturdays...my summer was spent working on projects for Melissa's Living Legacy.
It's hard to recount all the amazing things that transpired in this past action-packed summer...but the energy has carried straight through to the fall.

Particularly, the past seven weeks have been a true journey...in every sense of the word.
It started off with Lauren sharing an idea...that this year's Journeys (the annual dinner and fundraiser) feature performances from the teens.
What followed was a long and winding endeavor as the teens of TLC (Teens Living With Cancer---aka the support network of Melissa's Living Legacy) began an artistic journey into their own stories. When Lauren first approached us with the idea...none of us could have known how much soul searching was going to take place. None of us could have known how much stronger the bonds within the group and beyond were going to become.

Weeks of brainstorming, sharing sessions, edits, revisions and rehearsals followed. Creativity blossomed and there was a lot of fun sprinkled in. As they crafted and created their stories...it became so much more than storytelling...it became an expression of their deepest selves. By working with literary, theatrical and audio visual professionals who had donated their time, the teens each developed a piece of about 3 minutes in length to be performed in front of a live audience. Together as an ensemble production it will debut in a program called Our Journey So Far. Fittingly it will be the highlight of this Saturday's JOURNEYS, the annual dinner and benefit for Melissa's Living Legacy.
I am truly and honestly honored to have had the chance to not only see this beautiful program come together, week by week, story by story...but am also a part of the process myself. I was persuaded to come outside of the role of advisor and cheerleader to these teens and share my story too.

I haven't the words to really sum up all that I have learned, not only from this project, but from so many other things we've worked on with these teens. I watch these teens and they amaze me...they are stepping slowly outside the battle with cancer...and giving others something. Their honesty, their intensity and their perseverance lifts them so far beyond their years. They are traits that have not been acquired easily, or without sacrifice.

At times this process led me to think back to the years I spent as a teenager...chronically ill, having been denied the advantages of normal teenage life. Forces beyond my control pushed me out of a world of blissful normal into a harsher reality. I couldn't help but think back to that...
I hand't been diagnosed with cancer yet then...but the feelings all lead me to think of that time. The teen years are hard enough on a healthy teen.

Wise beyond your years...this is uttered often and applied to a myriad of situations...but unless you've faced serious illness in a pivotal time like adolescence...its hard to really wrap your head around this old expression.

These teens have an understanding and a grasp on something mostly unseen and undetected by peers around them. Nothing seems simple anymore. Wisdom like this has a price...but can be truly priceless when its lessons are passed on. Imagine if that rare understanding could be communicated and shared? That is exactly the excitement of what's about to happen Saturday.

As teenagers who will be sharing the intimacy of their own journeys...I see the power that they possess. Perhaps they see it in themselves, the capacity they have to teach others. Cancer itself is a horrific illness...but in all its ugliness beneath it lies beauty. And it rests with the hearts and minds and spirits of those who fight it.

With every voice...each one magnificently unique...each journey not like any another...they are beautiful. I have been given a rare gift to join these wise souls. As they take their places and as I join them on stage I'm going to be reminded that I am so lucky and so blessed to know the other side of illness...the part where I have to glance back at my path and how far I've come, so I can continue to help others rebuild.

They upstaged the Fray tonight!

I lay here in bed literally too amped up from the most amazing night that I just can't sleep...not until I write this down. Tonight Lauren, myself and a survivor and her sister from Teens Living with Cancer were at the Jack's Mannequin and Fray concert at Darien Lake...
We were invited backstage to meet Andrew McMahon and hear our very own private mini concert with ten winners of a contest during the soundcheck. We actually didn't win the contest...but the irony is that JoJo and Margi had been trying desperately to win those radio tickets to no avail. They had no idea that in the meantime I was working on getting TLC this special treat through a series of six degrees of separation network.

I could tell you every last detail...but I am just too tired right now. However, suffice it to say that Andrew is one of the most giving and big hearted people I've had the chance to meet. He himself is a cancer survivor and spent more time with our group than he may have even been allotted. He has a deep committment to give back...and that is clear in not only his music but his good works through it. He not only talked to each of us individually and eagerly listened to find out what TLC was all about, but recorded a touching personal video message to one of our kids who is very sick right now. I heart Andrew McMahon...

For us to see him perform with such vigor and energy...and the light behind it all...
At several points in the evening he jumped and pounded his (well, someone's) piano, threw his legs over to and fro over it---feet hammering the keys, he flipped, spun, shook what his Mama gave him and continued to confuse his piano with a dancefloor. It's a wonder Steinway doesn't grit their teeth when watching youtube. He is at least an aspiring acrobat...and few in that audience could imagine this was the same young man fighting for his life just four years ago. This is the same person who was told a transplant of his sister's stem cells was probably his only shot to beat the big C. Thankfully, it worked. Lauren said it best tonight "perhaps only someone who has been there... can truly understand how amazing what he is doing up there is"...as he whirled around the stage like a man on fire--on fire and happy to be alive. So I am tired now...but I will leave you the pictures to tell the rest of the story.
Thank you Andrew....if you find your way to reading this...thank you for your love and thank you for giving back to the cancer community...
Thanks also to the tour manager, Aaron...Ellie and Steve at Aware Music and of course to 100.5 the Drive's fabulous Julie who made sure to capture precious moments for us on both video and snapshots. Despite the downpour and the cold...it was a very special night I won't soon forget.

Oh...and the Fray was awesome too...phenomenal... but Andrew...you...you are a cancer survivin' rock star!

Without further ado...the Lil Wayne story

There are times in one's life where simply re-telling of a story can not match up to the supreme oddity of a moment. In such cases, one can only reply that you had to be there.
And frankly, for the two eye-witnesses who were there with me...they can comment and help back me up.

So...Las Vegas is a crazy place. Larger than life. Things happen in an instant and people go there for that very purpose. I'm sure the idea of finding a strange random weird celebrity encounter is not uncommon. But I'm still scratching my head about this one. Regardless, I've been telling this story so often that I am getting tired of recounting...truly. So I leave this story here for you---its on the internet...and perhaps will live a life of its own now.

Because of the nature of Hollywood...and the expansiveness of the internet I must be careful. I must of course put up a disclaimer---that the person in question may or may NOT have been Lil Wayne. The events that happened may have very well been simply a case of mistaken identity and one must read this blog with that in mind...Lil Wayne is already involved in legal action in Rochester and I don't want to add to his list.

So here goes...

I was sitting on a rock ledge/ wall thing outside a casino with my friends Jeff and Araceli. Our friends had just bounded off for the bathrooms while we waited tired and basically worn out from another energetic night out in fabulous Las Vegas.

Then it happened. A red hat coming out of the casino caught my eye. A red hat attached to a short statured African American young man...who appeared to be Lil' Wayne. I gasped. Jeff at the same time was having the same reaction, but I was the far more obvious gawker. Without thinking my pointy finger shot up. I aimed it right in his direction. Let's just say, usual Leah style...I did not act casual.

Below is an actor's rendering of the expression on my face at the time of his appearance.
So anyway...the person who in that instant appeared to be the Wayner himself...was strolling in the middle of two companions, two very large male companions in normal street clothes. Aracelli was a little farther off so I couldn't see her reaction. It was then, at that very moment, when the man in question...looked at my pointing finger aiming in his direction.

A whimsical smile came across his face. Who knows what he was thinking.

But he approached me...and stopped short. He was probably about 15 feet away where he stopped. Then he asked me if I had three things in quick succession...none of which I understood fully. However I heard what I thought was the word Twister being one of the items.

Without fully understanding I said No.

Jeff would later tell me asked me if I had a twista, a zigzag or a bluntwrap.
It is my firm understanding that he surely was barking up the wrong tree by asking this unassuming Upstate New York cardigan and comfy sock wearing teacher assistant.

He shook his head and started back on his path. End of game right? Not hardly.

As the young man and his duo of large companions nearly disappeared from view...I began to regret thinking to myself 'was this all of the strange encounter I was going to have with this person who may or may not have been Lil Wayne?" No No no...we don't end bizarre things unfinished.

So instead I shouted back...into the night, not knowing whether my words would fall unanswered.
Seeing as how he had mentioned what I thought was my favorite childhood game I decided to indulge this crazy moment.
"No...but I have silly putty, " I called.


In an instant he doubled back to where I sat. I couldn't gage either Jeff or Araceli's reactions as this bizarre exchange continued into part deux. After questioning this offer...Silly Putty... he came back with four words that I will always laugh about.

"Can you smoke it?"

To which I replied something akin to...
"No...you press it on comics..." He shook his head again...and in an instant he was gone.

After he disappeared with his companions Jeff, Araceli and I proceeded to freak out from the encounter which lasted probably all of 40-50 seconds in duration.

Jeff, who was right next to me and had had the best view as I mouthed off ignorantly to the Wayner, insisted that yes, this was Lil Wayne...and we were not imagining things. We began to lose it, laughing hysterically and shouting...I looked around for other witnesses, but there seemed to be no one who had stopped to see. It was a lull, almost a wrinkle in time...even if there were onlookers no one had taken note. It seemed impossible.

Now imagine my friends returning from the loo, only to hear this story fresh from its occurence.
They asked us why we hadn't pulled out a camera, asked for an autograph---something in the form of proof.

But after kicking myself for not doing any of these things I've come to the conclusion that this story is just meant to be another one of those mythical encounters...that will live in legend. You can believe it or not...you can ask "was it really Lil Wayne'? But it matters not. The point is that somewhere someone out there is wondering about the weirdo girl he ran into in Vegas who offered him some Silly Putty to smoke and that weirdo girl...that girl is me.

Please note if a song hits airwaves containing silly putty as a lyric...I will have made my forray into the annals of music history.

OMG was amazing

OMG! I forgot, rather I didn't have time to post about the OMG Young Adult Cancer Summit.

Recapping: this was probably the craziest most insane way to pack everything possible into one weekend I have EVER had in my LIFE. And in 2 wks I'm going to be moving so go figure...
Slow down? Ha...not likely.

BTW...Happy belated National Cancer Survivors Day.

I didn't get to Syracuse till way later than I planned Friday. I will spare you all the minute details of the car adventure...I killed my battery by leaving my lights on...my car died. Challenges challenges. As you might know already, due to a slight error my sister's family bridal shower was arranged on the same day/same time as the OMG Syracuse. Most of you who know me know that OMG was 8 months of planning-- for those on the committee especially Dan, Carrie, Matthew and I it was almost like like planning a wedding. With last year under our belt, we had learned a lot but still...8 months.

Anyway---needless to say, you can imagine the tough choice I had between OMG and my sister's other shower. Pick one? NO--way. Leah decided to do both.

When I swung just in time into the Palace Theatre everyone was already there and things were in full swing. I was able to ever so briefly chat with Erin Zammett Ruddy, our guest speaker and super cool Glamour Magazine rock star. But I was really sad that in my rushing across town mode we didn't get to talk more. I was frazzled and late and really would have done better with down time prior. Erin, if you're reading this I hope we will cross paths again very soon.

Alright, so here is the deal about the second annual OMG Young Adult Cancer Summit.
It was amazing. Okay, so already the thunder was stolen...NYC had BNL performing. How do you compete with that? But what transpired in Syracuse NY was something wholly amazing, something pallpable...smaller in scale, but from where I stood it was an intimate sense of community that stretched beyond town, city, and county lines.

New Yorkers have always been categorized by the city of Manhattan. It is plausable that the great state of New York is seen by many outsiders as purely of an outcrop of Manhattan. Not so. Upstate--I've been asked to define---to specify. But the diverse communities and the various stretches between town to town, city to city are a community that was tied together yesterday. There were young survivors from Syracuse, Rochester (most of us), Buffalo, Ithaca, Corning, Albany. Sure most NYC survivors could hop on the subway...but there were people who travelled 2, 3, 4, 5 hours to attend. And Aaron Spicer from Ohio wins a special award for a 6 hour journey he made with great delight (and sacrifice).

Watching people look around the room and see (perhaps for the first time) others their own age walking the very same journey-- connecting and relating. On so many levels it was empowering beyond any coherent definition.

My energy could not equal my enthusiasm. This day--this weekend-- filled my heart!

Erin told us her inspiring story of surviving to be a MOM against all possible odds. Erin IS a pioneer. GO Erin!
I tried to upload the video I have of part of her speech but I experienced technical failure. I will get that up as soon as I figure out what went wrong. Sorry!

Then at the end of the Summit an amazing band, THE ACTION cranked up the ska...trumpet blaring, people unwinding, drinking, mingling, eating the delicious appetizers. Perhaps to some it seemed like a big party. It was.
YOU HAD TO BE THERE...


But because you weren't-- I'm gonna just give you the images...and hope you'll understand...somewhat.


THE ACTION
with i[2]y YALC Pres. and most dedicated Summit traveller, Ohio's Aaron Spicer
With Stupid Cancer Guru Matthew Zachary ( who appears to be my Siamese twin? ha ha)
Three amazing brain cancer survivors show who got busy living
With Thomas Waters... St. Bonaventure student, survivor and advocate extraordinaire! The T-shirt pic. Minus quite a few...but a smattering of the gang... After some shenanigans and complicated logistics...15 of us grabbed dinner!
I'll say it again...life is like a sandwich...
enjoy the big bites!

Vegas Part Deux

Okay so that was a test...and you responded...and I laughed because who does that?--- "Everyone comment me?"?? Pppllease! As they would have said to me in the 1980s ---gag me with a spoon...
...so I will not ask anyone to do that again unless it is entirely for a good cause. Promise.

Las VEGAS
As I am sitting here trying to recount what we did on what day I am coming into a little blip in my memory bank. So those of you that were there feel free to correct and forgive for any erronerous re-telling or misrepresented dates and times.

On Saturday we all tiptoed into another hotel pool...at the Tropicana Hotel.
Some more fun was had...this time our whole group was able to sun and splash and lie in the shade of giant palm trees (which provide not so much shade)
But I have to say this, I heart palm trees.

What is it about them that makes you feel like you are really on vacation? I mean I could have a vacay at a garbage dump...and if there was a palm tree and a blue sky and I looked up (and plugged my nose) I would feel relaxed.
But I digress...

As usual we applied more SPF per capita than anyone else in a 1,000 yd perimeter. Hey, we're cancer survivors...what DO you expect? While everyone else lathered on the cooking oil and tried to fry their skin to a nice glowing bronzy crisp...our idea of fun (despite popular misconception) is not another biopsy...thank you very much.

Aside from the cute little colorful drinks...there was even more ways to help you spend your hard earned cash wet gambling.

I am not a gambler. I do not profess to be one.
I do not know when to hold them...
I do not know when to fold 'em...
I do not know when to walk away...

but hey, I do know when to run---a big grizzly bear, an armed intruder...a stale fruitcake bearing neighbor... trust me I'd probably know when to run.

But I could not resist the novelty of a swim-up blackjack table. I gave my friend Stefanie $20 to play blackjack so that I could see the process. It was thrilling when we won $5...but the rest we quickly lost. Subsequently the game after us was nearly ended by a rather intoxicated and splashing guy who completely hosed the deck of cards--and incited the wrath of the bikini clad dealer and her equally feisty manager. Good times...yeah...a good time to leave. Quit while you're ahead---and someone's getting yelled at.

Later that Saturday evening ....we had another nice dinner in and prepped for yet another night out on the strip. For our lively crew of Mak-A-Dream alums, getting ready to hit the town is almost as fun as hitting the town itself.



The taxi drop off point was the Hotel NEW YORK NEW YORK...where I wandered with friends from table to table looking for roulette...I just wanted to try but with a $20 minimum and cigar smoking men packed in with no hole for a bystander...I hesitated. I was intimidated. Gamblers are everywhere...serious gamblers...afterall this is the city to draw them.

Don't get me wrong...it's not to say that a dealer won't take the money of a naive Upstate New Yorker...but its the serious high rollers that bar (or at least dissuade) you piling on in.
Then it was on to the club Diablo...which had a roof top bar.

Live music- there was a singer who was doing her best Kelly Clarkson. But our group just ran around the roof like a bunch of kids let off a school fieldtrip bus at Six Flags on a sugar high.

There were scantily clad dancers on the roof and that was great fun for the boys.
But there was fun for the girls too. Namely the cops, who stood around that place with arms folded, looking like extras from Chips...but they cracked a smile when they saw our group.
Perhaps we don't look menacing, it was easy for them to see, I suppose.

They seemed friendly as they laughed openly at my own signature dance...which thankfully (that I know of) no one has on video-- but involves grabbing one leg at the ankle and jerking around convulsively (with some rhythm). That won them over and they uncrossed their arms posed for a photo. That is how you officially know you are a good egg...when cops pose for photos with you. Evidently Stef had the same idea and she happens to be a good egg too. They posed with her as well, but she's a little more legit with her own badge to flip out when necessary.

Robert, Jeff, Ansley and I split off from the crew to make our own entertainment near the Belagio. It was the last water show of the night and we didn't want to miss it. But after the show...we decided to do an impromtu performance near the fountain.... I can't recall which of his songs we sang---but I'm certain we would have made Neil Diamond proud. Had we thought of it we would have tossed down a cap for people to stuff dollar bills into...hey, gotta pay for our $5 water bottles somehow

We met many strangers who were kindred spirits, shall we say...and we had moments. In particular an exciting Bohemian Rhapsody sing-a-long on the escalator into Caesar's Palace that will probably go down in the books. A bunch of partying ladies ahead of us joined us as the rest of the crowded hotel looked on...Thunderbolt of lightning...very very frightening..... Now we do not have this on video either. Ya just had to be there.

And then my moment with the real Guitar Heroes....these performers who just cracked me up. The truth of the matter is these gentlemen were likely college guys who bought matching guitars on an impulse buy...but I can't resist people who can break it down.

A---ha...Hmmm? So I still haven't told the story about the infamous rap artist encounter...well I ran out of time. But I promise I will recount that on the final installment of this blog series...
and you won't have to comment...not unless you really want to...





:)