Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pretense, parlor tricks and fear

I forgot to blog about this Blue Carpet event I went to at Club Tribecca a week or so ago. It was a party for the launch of Metromix. I've written for Insider freelance for over three years now. I don't necessarily like the way things are going, especially with the departure of their editor, who I respected. He is someone that over the interaction of mostly email all these years, I really trusted and valued his opinions. We won't discuss what the upper management forces did... since I really don't know the whole story, but the handwriting on the wall is there---and change is a brewing at Insider.

Being there on the "Blue Carpet" and wearing those shoes that I can't walk in made me miss my comparatively careless flip flop wearing days only weeks before...and eating those African berries that cost several $100s a pound I kept thinking why am I here? Everyone else in that room was circling around and I just looked at my friend Megan...and probably we were both thinking the same thing. Sometimes you just want to ditch the pretense. I wanted to be somewhere else...and not sure where. It's because I'm getting older that the restlessness appears at random moments.

So I happened to see they had hired a psychic for this event...and sectioned her off in a little alcove. Since this event is where they spend way too much money on things that essentially make them look cool, I decided the only thing to do is capitalize on it...and then chastize them later. My psychic told me some very interesting things, some of which I will not share here.

But what she did tell me was that I am in the Death stage or Death cycle. Now the horrified look on my face was enough to get her to rephrase..."your birthday," she said..."you're about to turn over a new year..."and she remarked that everything I do up until now is just kind of wrapping up in my cycle and something about the alignment....some more stuff that made no cosmic sense to me. I listened intently but this for me always seems more parlor trick than something I should lean on or trust.

Okay, so she told me I was fairly independent, duh...yeah. She told me I was looking for something I couldn't find. Okay, yeah, sure. Easy to see...So she told me I was making changes in my life...isn't everyone? But when she told me I was not facing my fears and putting effort into a task I need to finish...I breathed in deeply. I know what she is talking about. It's in my computer...maybe I need to print out the pages and start doing this the old fashioned way. Fear...fear. What am I afraid of...I'm a writer...this is not I afraid to finish? Or am I afraid that finally finishing the story of my life will make it all there on paper to really see.

Okay, I know we celebrate birthdays...but I've discussed this before...I don't feel this age thing. I feel like sometimes I'm age adjusted and that age that I am should be the number minus the years I've lost in between so depending on the variables and the mathematical computations...I'm anywhere between 17,18 or maybe 26 or 27. So we'll round it out and say I'm 25 if you were to "age adjust" me.

But here I am ruminating over age and worrying about nothing. You all know my friend Zach and the battle he is facing...worry is not in his vocabulary. He is the most courageous person I know, fears nothing. I've been thinking about this a lot actually especially this weekend when I watched this seemingly frail and fragile man scale to the top of a rock wall--and I convinced myself that whatever my fear was in doing this I had to try because I had to prove it to myself I could too...and I did.

I love this picture because it shows everything I believe in someone's strength of character and heart. Yes, the climber to the left is physically strong, but the climber on the right is full of something that in this life I may never be able to fully understand. Worrying about turning a year older really seems stupid when you look at it through that lens, because time and another year are a gift.

I'm trying... and when I turn 31, I'm going to be happy to see another year. Ten years ago, I was celebrating that milestone of legal drinking age (and it happens to fall on the 21st) so you could imagine the fun that 21 on the 21st is for a college's license for a grand celebration. And recently one of our young adult survivors who I knew was turning 22 said she wanted to do it up big...and then I remembered this young woman spent her 21st birthday last year in the she has decided for this year to pretend she is 21 again. What a beautiful for once maybe I can pretend with her...oh, how far off that seems.

I end this post with just a note of levity because I've been kind of crazed lately. I have to slow down just a little bit in my life. My friend Kevin and I were actually talking last night on the phone and we both agreed that we should become plumbers because that's easier to quantify and explain to people. And then I told him about picking out bridesmaids dresses...something every guy wants to here about, right? Perhaps it's a great mystery to guys...well picture this.
I am soooo stretched thin and tired lately I forgot AGAIN that the same day I dressed in an outfit inspired by the 1980s era. It was for our school's spirit week---I swear...Decade day. I showed up at the bridal shop with a crimped mass of hair, frosted pink eyeshadow-tie dyed shirt black tights underneath my rolled up jeans with various other accessories. I could have fit right in in a Cyndi Lauper video. Moments like this...are just too me.
My poor sister. Her wedding....and all she wants is a maid of honor who can help her make decisions...and I don't know where my head is at.

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